Finally, we come to the most difficult subject. Please allow some
indulgence here since we will invoke religious terms, but are really speaking about the
human heart. What if we find ourselves angry at God for our terrible disease?
Religion teaches us that one day the Divine will wipe away all tears and will compensate
us for our earthly test. We are taught that great happiness will be given to us as a gift
if we endure well our mortal trials. We are taught that suffering increases our capacity
for joy. What if we find ourselves crying out in confusion and even
anger? What if we hate ourselves for having such thoughts. Have we been blasphemous? Can
the Divine forgive us? Can we move to a philosophy of free agency, which deals with the
paradox of suffering in a world overseen by a Divine Being, or Natural
Force?
The strange thing is, these feelings are probably not about religion at all. They are
about the disability that severe pain brings. They come when temporal problems seem
insurmountable. They often reflect genuine fears that we won't be able to feed ourselves
or our families, or obtain needed help. If we can manage to draw on society's resources and
secure a place to live and food to eat, our crisis of faith will be revealed to have been
more about fear of survival.
